Daily Realizations
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Daily Realization #66
I can't date. I just have to make friends and see what (slowly and authentically) happens. I can't describe how relieving it is to know that now.
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Daily Realization #65
I've been feeling guilty for not writing much lately, but the first chapter of Maggie Smith's Dear Reader completely changed my perspective for the better.
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Daily Realization #64
Today two out of three of the hinges on my front door completely popped out the frame, and my neighbor stole my package again. My home might be as ready for me to leave as I am.
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Daily Realization #63
In the past 20 years I’ve moved 22 times. If I’m patient and lucky I’ll get to do it again in a few months.
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Daily Realization #62
I blocked Reddit on my phone last night, and it was ridiculous how many times today I still grabbed it to mindlessly scroll before remembering. Sure it only takes five seconds to remove the block, but it forces me to pay attention to what I'm doing with my down time, and makes me ask myself if I really give a shit about r/AmIOverreacting or r/divorcedbirds.
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Daily Realization #61
I have to start expecting more of myself.
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Daily Realization #60
I think I despise wearing any sort of costume because of a lifetime of body image and authority issues. I'm a blast at themed parties.
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Daily Realization #59
I don't know what they are, but somewhere out there things are brewing.
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Daily Realization #58
I keep putting off writing until late into the night. Wonder what I'm avoiding this time.
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Daily Realization #57
During my night routine, I realized I went the whole ass day only wearing one contact lens. That actually explains a lot.
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Daily Realization #56
Today I got away with staying out too late last night, but it's time to slow things down a little and get back to business. I still plan on staying out too late and hanging out of course, I just have to get back to doing that sober more often than not.
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Daily Realization #55
Watching the internet destroy itself with bots is so disappointingly boring.
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Daily Realization #54
Ambivalence ≠ Indifference
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Daily Realization #53
For the past few months I feel like I've been realizing the same things over and over again. I'm not anxious I'm just bored (most of the time), I can't have a car in the city (I got my sixth street sweeping ticket a few days ago), and I'm avoiding doing things I like and make me feel good by mindlessly scrolling reddit.
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Daily Realization #51
How's my grammar class going you ask? The one I failed (again) because I forgot about it for what I thought was three days but was actually two weeks? Yeah. I'm going to have to find a new path to being a world famous copy editor.
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Daily Realization #52
Apparently I've challenged myself to see how long I can go without grocery shopping. Chickpeas and rice for breakfast and dinner? Sounds good to me.
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Daily Realization #50
I keep forgetting that being even a little dehydrated puts me in a bleh mood
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Daily Realization #49
I'm starting to wonder how much of my anxiety lately is just boredom.
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Daily Realization #48
I keep getting annoyed that I don't have enough time to do what I want during the day, but then I'll do dumb things like spend an hour looking at reddit backpack reviews. Yeah I wanted a new backpack, but I also wanted to read an actual book and go to bed at a decent hour.
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Daily Realization #47
I sure am susceptible to playing Balatro for three hours straight. I'm so grateful that doesn't transfer over to a true gambling addiction.
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Daily Realization #46
Happy No Kings Day!
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Daily Realization #45
One day I'm getting a dog, and his name will be Banjo.
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Daily Realization #43
I just got my FIFTH street sweeping ticket in less than a year of living in the city. Two days earlier I walked by my car, read the street sweeping sign, and was CERTAIN I didn't have to move it. I also live in arguably the easiest neighborhood in the city to find parking in. I really shouldn't have a car.
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Daily Realization #44
I'm at a cafe and there are two old guys talking about their careers, and one of them just said he was a writer for Johnny Carson. He's talking about how when he was younger he only cared about people liking him and being famous, and how silly it all was; how much better his life became once he started writing what made him feel good to work on.
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Daily Realization #42
I just got insurance with Kaiser so I'm trying to find a new, in-network psych (I've never had Kaiser before, but I've had my psych for a year now.) Apparently I have to call their mental health hotline first so they can decide if I need to see a doctor. What?
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Daily Realization #41
Maybe I'm just not used to my new schedule, but things feel off. I don't like it.
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Daily Realization #40
In a typical day I'm pretty good about drinking enough water, I don't watch a ton of TV (unless it's with company), and I go to bed at a decent hour. But when I'm sick? I can't stand the taste of water, I continuously watch whatever show happens to click with me in the moment (this time it's Taskmaster), and I stay up as late as possible. Then I wonder why it takes so long to feel better.
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Daily Realization #39
I'm still sick. It's almost been a whole week. I've realized nothing.
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Daily Realization #38
I just got my fourth street sweeping ticket in less than a year of living in the city.
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Daily Realization #37
Whenever I start a new job or join a new gym, I get sick within the first week. Guaranteed.
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Daily Realization #36
I gave myself a week to not stress about making time for writing. It feels like it's only been a day. I'll have to be extra careful to not let too many days go by without jotting anything down.
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Daily Realization #35
I'm really good at having two drinks and stopping for the night, but now I need to cut that down to one. Hangovers are a waste. No regrets about last night, but I'm feeling it today.
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Daily Realization #34
The little chunks here and there throughout the day, playing Farkle or scrolling reddit absentmindedly while I feel guilty about it, really add up. Rest should be intentional.
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Daily Realization #33
My mom was truly disgusted by Mother’s Day. She argued that we should be celebrating her every single day because of how much she did for us, instead of forcing cards and useless gifts on her once a year just because everyone else was.
Now that she’s passed away, Mother’s day isn’t even slightly triggering to me; it’s all the other days of the year that catch me off guard.
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Daily Realization #32
I GOT A JOB!!!
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Daily Realization #31
You get what you need when you need it, and apparently I needed Patti Smith's Just Kids.
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Daily Realization #30
I think I’ve been desperate to not notice that I’m bored with my life. The routines I’ve carved out for myself aren’t making my life smoother, they’re making it duller. Eating the same meals for months at a time, listening to the same music and podcasts over and over again, it’s not actually comforting after all.
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Daily Realization #29
If I don't bring a snack with me while I'm out and about, I'll think I'm starving and spend money I don't have on an overpriced burrito bowl.
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Daily Realization #28
I just sat in the same, poor-postured position for two hours straight while I was writing. I have to get back in habit of setting a timer for 20 minutes any time I'm at my desk to remind myself to stand up and stretch.
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Daily Realization #27
I'm sincerely amazed by people who are raising kids right now. There's such little community support, and it seems like they're constantly being judged.
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Daily Realization #26
Keeping earplugs in my wallet has been a game changer.
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Daily Realization #25
My last job made me feel like I was a weirdo who couldn't get along with others. Today I had to reach out to previous supervisors to ask if I could still use them as a reference for a new job I'm hoping to get soon. They were all quick to reply, and were so supportive. It was a much needed reminder that I'm totally capable of working with people.
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Daily Realization #24
It turns out the secret to getting me to sit and not move for three hours straight is to put on Taskmaster.
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Daily Realization #23
It’s possible to feel grateful and absolutely hopeless. I know in my bones how lucky I am to be where I am right now, but I have no idea how I’m going to keep moving forward.
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Daily Realization #22
Being told (in person) by the president of a company that you'll have an offer letter within a few days and that no one else is being interviewed for the job doesn't mean you'll actually get the job.
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Daily Realization #21
I’ve been sleeping horribly for weeks now and drank too much the past couple of nights. Normally hangover days like this would mean spiraling (especially with the "do I have a job now?" thing), but so far so good. I guess you just have to completely give yourself permission to waste a whole day while everything adjusts.
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Daily Realization #20
On Wednesday I had a final round interview for a job I really want (and need). At the end they said I was the only contender and that I’d have an offer letter by the end of this week or early next week. It’s Friday evening and I haven’t heard back. I’m going to have to really distract myself with stuff this weekend to avoid slipping into a “what if” spiral.
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Daily Realization #19
Bear has a preview button.
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Daily Realization #18
I installed a bidet today and honestly it’s one of the few things that’s ever lived up to the hype. I can’t believe I was walking around like a disgusting monster for so long.
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Daily Realization #17
I got accustomed to the fog that burns off during the day and comes back at night. It was charming. Apparently there’s another fog though. One that shows up in the spring and stays until the end of summer. I still don’t have a job but I’m planning my next move within the city. I was warned - this is all on me.
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Daily Realization #16
Nearly every day I catch myself being thankful for the random person on Instagram who explained the difference between a choice and a decision. I’m still relieved to be off of social media though; I honestly don’t know how you all handle it.
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Daily Realization #15
I still have a long way to go when it comes to clear communication and not getting defensive. I’m glad I can at least notice stuff like that though - that’s an improvement on its own.
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Daily Realization #14
Wound up in Weed, CA on 4/19 at 4:00pm. Close enough.
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Daily Realization #13
Driving 8 hours to the last Blockbuster in the world was the right choice. Renting Kraven: The Hunter was not. It did mean listening to How Did This Get Made on the drive home though, so really it all worked out.
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Daily Realization #12
My biggest fear during Drop Dead Fred was that no matter when I paused the movie, there would still be another 45 minutes left (P.S. Team Sanity).
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Daily Realization #11
I’m so excited and nervous about the interview tomorrow. I could just sit here all day and do nothing until it’s time to join the meeting.
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Daily Realization #10
I’m not sure if I’m isolating because this Thursday I have a second round interview and then I’m immediately off on a buddy road trip to the last Blockbuster and will barely get back in time to watch the nephew hunt Easter eggs OR because I really am feeling a flu thing coming on and I don’t want to risk getting worse. Probably both.
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Daily Realization #9
I kept getting recommendations for Braiding Sweetgrass so I’m finally reading it. Everyone was right. That book is beautiful.
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Daily Realization #7
I finally understand that you don’t lose what’s meant for you. It’s a relief, not an excuse to never try/do anything.
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Daily Realization #8
Obsessively rehearsing future conversations is a waste of time and energy. I’ve never once been right about how it unfolds, and I always forget what I wanted to say anyway.
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Daily Realization #6
I can’t remember my P.O. Box address but I’ll always be able to write to Stick Stickly (P.O. Box 963, New York, NY 10108)
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Daily Realization #5
I don't get to see Amyl and the Sniffers tomorrow after all =(
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Daily Realization #4
“Punk Rock Karaoke” night at the local honky tonk bar is really just regular karaoke night with the lore that one time a few months ago someone picked a Misfits song.
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Daily Realization #3
I only have one pair of black no-show socks left. A month ago I had five.
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Daily Realization #2
Sometimes it’s just the luteal phase drop-kicking me in the face, and sometimes I really am soul-crushingly sad. It’s getting easier to tell the two apart.
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Daily Realization #1
The smoke detector in my kitchen worked after all - until I was forced to stab it with pliers at two in the morning today.