The guilt (and presumptiveness) of talking to your parent about their inevitable death
A few nights ago, my dad called to say he has to get a laundry list of dental work done, so he won’t be able to come visit my sister and I in August like he had been planning. He sounded defeated which was confusing. The best gift you can give a [redacted last name] is rescheduling a family visit. Deep down we know we technically love each other, but we also stress each other out. The gift of space and time with the intention of visiting is how we show we care.
I didn’t ask why he sounded so low. Instead it was my avoidant instinct to lighten the mood with small talk.
He mentioned taking some time over the upcoming weekend to clean out his storage unit. I know he has one near his house (I just don’t know where), and I could have sworn he mentioned having one in a different state (I just don’t know which one). Since that’s all I knew about his storage unit situation, I took the opportunity to try to get actual details.
He vaguely confirmed that he has one near his house, and then he started talking about washing his car. I abandoned learning more about the nearby storage unit. I figured I could at least confirm the existence of a second one though.
I abruptly cut the car conversation short to ask if he had another unit out of state somewhere. “Oh yeah,” he said, “but that one is useless.”
He went on before I could ask for helpful information like what state it’s in, or the name of the storage company. He said it was only $35 a month, and that it was just easier to keep paying for it instead of asking a relative “out there” to deal with it. It has some fishing poles, a few college diplomas, and a copy of his online certificate to be an ordained minister. He said he just did that for fun. I stammered a half-sentence asking about what to do with it once he, you know. “They can just auction it off, there’s nothing of value in there anyway” he explained. I wanted to tell him that wasn’t true, and that he was wrong, but I couldn’t.
I was overwhelmed by two difficult truths trying to get my attention at the same time:
I was talking to my currently alive dad about how there’s going to be a world one day where he’s dead
Who says he’s going to die first? It could just as easily be me.
I’ve tried, but I don’t know how this post should end, so here it goes.